«Leketøy.»

På onsdag fikk jeg en mail som inviterte meg til et foredrag om intimleketøy. Med goodiebags og gratis frokost. Mailen inneholdt ord som «banebrytende» og «anale gleder«, to fraseringer jeg helst ikke vil se assosiert med noe annet enn;

1. En ny type banebrytende medisin som gjør at all gass blir transformert til sunne mineraler inne i kroppen, noe som gjør at du slipper å fise noen gang igjen. Laget av tyrkiske Dr. Anale Gleder. Det ville gjort at jeg hadde turt å sove på fly, og jeg kunne faktisk bestilt mat med bønner i og spist det i et rom med andre mennesker uten å måtte bruke masse energi på å undertrykke en fis de neste 3 timene. Verden hadde blitt et bedre sted uten flatulens!

Eller 2. Personen som skrev mailen var dyslektisk og mente egentlig banale gleder, og det hun snakket om var en banebrytende 40-etasjers kake.

Det er nemlig få ting som gjør meg så ukomfortabel som å snakke om sex, og da spesielt «leketøy» som skal brukes i samleie. Bare et par ting kan måle seg;

Brusflasker uten etikett.



Brus med avrevet etikett er som en naken mann i en barnehage; Unødvendig og ekkelt. Brusen mister all sin verdi, og jeg kunne liksågodt drukket kloakkvann som å drikke mer av den flasken.

Mennesker uten selvinnsikt.





Hadde det ikke vært for at jeg var så lykkelig over og nettopp ha blitt invitert til noe med goodiebags, så hadde jeg ikke vurdert å dra en gang. Jeg sa nei, men det var et lite øyeblikk hvor jeg tenkte det hadde vært litt kult. Så kom jeg på den episoden av Trekant hvor hun sexdamen dyttet en massasjestav opp mot pikachuen til Pia, og hvor hinsides flau jeg ble av å se på det, og da var det ikke aktuelt.




Det nærmeste jeg noengang har kommet et sexleketøy var da Actionman og Barbie skulle lage en baby.





Så nei, jeg kommer nok aldri til å dra på et foredrag om intimleketøy.

Jeg føler du tenker; Hva er GALT med Hanne? Ble hun mistet i gulvet som baby?
Og ja, det er veldig mye mulig at det har skjedd. Jeg satser på en blanding av dét og at skolesystemet har feilet meg. Jeg visste blant annet ikke hva mensen var før jeg fikk det, noe som gjorde korpsturen til København den mest traumatiske opplevelsen jeg noen gang har hatt. Jeg var så full av skam at da jeg kom hjem gikk jeg ut i skogen og satte fyr på alle underbuksene jeg hadde hatt med meg.

Og det er hvordan min første menstruasjon nesten førte til en skogbrann.

-Hanne

669 kommentarer til “«Leketøy.»”

  1. LexieV - FJORTIZZZH :D

    Tror ikke noe er galt med deg- jeg får lignende tanker selv. Særlig når det kommer til kleine mennesker, som en blond ei jeg så her i fjor sommer (minnet veldig om et av bildene dine) der hun på hver sin synlige rumpeballe (under en litt for liten shorts) hadde tatovert «WHITE» og «TRASH» på hver side. det var et syn.

    Kleine mennesker får meg til å ha lyst til å hoppe foran et tog, som selvfølgelig aldri kommer fordi togene aldri kommer for tiden, noe som gir meg lyst til å hoppe foran t-banen, fordi jeg ikke liker når togene lyver og sier de skal ta meg frem til tiden som gjør at jeg kommer en halvtime for sent til eksamen. Men så gir jeg opp og legger meg på stuegulvet med bikkja i stedenfor. Mindre vondt, og jeg risker ikke å miste bena, armene, hodet eller kroppen, og jeg har ikke lyst til å ende opp som cyborg.. ennå.

    Svar
  2. A.Yo.

    HAHAHAHA !! xD Å undertrykke en fis er farlig,men jeg får latterkrampe av meg selv når jeg må gjøre det…så sitter jeg der og ler over at ingen andre i rommet vet hva jeg kjemper med,men så humrer jeg litt for mye og plutselig er katta ute av sekken..eller skal jeg si fisen ute av .. jah,you get me.

    Mensen suger btw.

    Svar
  3. Maria

    haha, jeg blir alltid like glad hver gang du oppdaterer bloggen din, Hanne!!!! :D hahihihi

    Svar
  4. Kenneth

    Hahaha! Etiketten på brusflasker faktisk!!!

    Du er råbra til å tegne! :-)

    Svar
  5. Marianne Lindseth

    Hahaha! Jeg syns du skal lage et blogginnlegg om den korpsturen til København, jeg! :-D

    Svar
  6. Veronika Moen

    Ahaha,u made my day honey:p Jeg ler så jeg griner hver gang,du er helt rååå! Takk for at du forlenger livet mitt med hveeeeertfall 1 uke hver gang du skriver et innlegg…det vil si at jeg har så utrolig mange flere dager å utrette faenskap på,på det gamlehjemmet som skal plages med meg om 60 år;) Cant wait! Du er som VG-reklamen…dagen er IKKE helt den samme uten!!!!

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  7. Sandra

    hahaha, du er så god!:D

    Hvordan har du lært deg å tegne så enkelt men samtidig så fortellende? Jeg blir helt trollbundet!

    Svar
  8. Incha

    Å huff huff, hadde dette hendt meg hadde jeg falt av kontorstolen paralysert. Og måtte bare så fint si at jeg digger bloggen din og burde nok begynne å kommentere. Fulgt deg en stund nå :D

    Svar
  9. Kristines hjerte

    Ler meg ihjel her! XD Du er ikke så ulik meg, faktisk. Men jeg ble GARANTERT mistet i gulvet opptil flere ganger som baby, så… Forresten – som Marianne over her skriver; Kan du kanskje lage et blogginnlegg om den korpsturen til København? Vi er tydeligvis flere som ble traumatisert pga mensen…selv tør jeg ikke skrive om dette. Det er for grusomt, rett og slett. Der du hadde korpstur hadde jeg karameller. Well. Nuff said.

    Svar
  10. Kristina

    Hanne, du er bare helt herlig!

    Tro meg, du er ikke den enste raringen her på jorden. Vi er alle spesielle eller hur? Haha.

    Svar
  11. LivB

    Du skriver såååå bra! :D Jeg ler meg skakk av innleggene dine. Jej for TegneHanne!

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  12. KathrineL

    MORO! Åh jeg er så lykkelig for at jeg oppdaget bloggen din! :D

    Svar
  13. JJ

    Hahaha, fantastisk blogg. Er enig med den som mente du er genial, og ikke gal.

    Svar
  14. ragnhild

    fantastisk! Jeg ELSKER høssen dine poeng vrir og vender på seg i løpet tå et innlegg og at koklusjonen blir helt slående på slutten. HURRA!

    Svar
  15. Vilde Marie

    Jeg digger tegningene dine! Så fantastisk, jeg ler meg i hjel hver gang jeg leser. Så glad for at jeg oppdaget bloggen din!!!

    Svar
  16. Carina

    Dette er en FANTASTISK blogg! Gratulerer til deg som er fabelaktig, morsom og superflink å tegne:)

    Svar
  17. Rebekka

    Ah jeg dør av tegningene dine! Du er helt rå! Men kan du værsåværsåværsåsnill og oppdatere oftere? Skjønner at du har et liv du og som alle andre liksom, men livet mitt innebærer å sjekke bloggen din hver dag for å se om du har oppdatert :) så pliiiiiiiiiiis, make my day, everyday! :-D love you Hanne!

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  18. Julia : )

    tusen takk. du fikk liksom fram hvor teit det er med nakne brusflasker, så nå kommer jeg til å legge meg i fosterstilling neste gang jeg ser en. TAKK

    Svar
  19. ncity

    Sinnsykt morsomt! Skulle ønske du posta hver dag, men det er vel litt mye å be om i og med at du faktisk må tegne hvert eneste innlegg! Lov å håpe!

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  20. anna

    Føler meg nesten slem, men jeg lo så jeg gråt da jeg leste det med underbuksene. Du er konge, Hanne!

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  21. Tonje

    ahhahahhahhahhahhahaha *pause for å trekke pusten* hahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahah!!!! Herregud, ler så jeg omtrent gårter! :D

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  22. maylinn

    Du er utrolig morsom:) ønsker meg at du oppdaterer oftere^^

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  23. leser

    HAHAHAHA, «og DET er hvordan min første menstruasjon nesten førte til skogbrann.» HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA, døde

    Svar
  24. Charlothe

    Hahaha :D :D

    Må forresten si meg enig; brusflasker uten etikk eller kork er noe av det verste jeg vet!! GUUUD, så ekkelt!!

    Svar
  25. Linda

    Hanne, denne bloggen gjør hverdagen ganske mye lysere. Du har en utrolig bra humor og jeg ler like mye hver gang du legger ut noe. At ikke du ligger øverst på topplisten forundrer meg!

    (Brusflasker uten etikett er s-t-y-g-t)

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  26. Hege

    Hahahahahah! :-D amazing! «Ungen vår er grønn» ja, da er det nok faren som har vært utro :-D

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  27. Anonym

    ÅÅÅ du er så kuul

    og så morsom

    og så syyk til å tegne (kjempe positivt)

    jeg sjekker bloggen din hvert time omtrent, please oppdatere litt mer? gleder meg hverg gang jeg ikke har sjekket bloggen din, så ser jeg at det er et nytt innlegg!!!

    stå pååå=)=)

    Svar
  28. I have dreams

    helt siden jeg kom over bloggen din har jeg ledd mer enn jeg har gjort på en veldig god stund, kanskje det er snakk om år, jeg vet ikke, lenge siden jeg har sluppet latteren helt fri. jeg elsker måten du har valgt å uttrykke deg selv på, gjennom kanskje det som er det fineste kunsten av de alle. tegning. jeg synes karakteren i tegneserien din er så utrolig morsom og sjarmerende, selv når hun er sint, det får meg til å bli utrolig nysgjerrig på deg som person, er som en dans ved siden av ordene dine. du er rett og slett et komisk talent, men du har samtidig hjertet med i alt du skriver og blogger og tegner.

    Svar
  29. Celine Remen

    Hva er galt med deg? Ble du mistet i gulvet som baby?? NEIDA!! HAHA jeg ler meg ihjel av de morsomme tegneseriene dine xDD Og døde helt av den morsomme mensen historien din på slutten :D

    Svar
  30. kaffedamen

    Hahaha, takk for dagens gode latter!

    Jeg skylder deg snart 2 år med forlenget liv. (Antar at du fører regnskap over sånt?)

    Svar
  31. Hanne

    Haha, å herregud, du har så rett angående den brusflasken. Hvorfor GJØR folk sånt?!

    Ehm, uansett. Jeg har – i forbindelse med jobben – vært på rfsu kurs der nye varer (for apotek) ble presentert.. Hurra.. Sexleketøy er yay, men dildoparty er NAYYYYY!!!

    Synes du burde få goodiebag’en tilsendt i posten jeg mot at du blogger om det, hihihi.

    - og ja, verden hadde vært et mye enklere sted uten flatulens. Gawd.

    Svar
  32. Lydia

    Fy flate, du er talsmannen for levra mi altså … Elsker bloggen din!

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  33. Lassepanda

    Seriøst Hanne, noen burde gi ut bloggen din i bokform!

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  34. <3

    Sykt bra blogg, Hanne! Morsom og spesiel på en god måte. Jeg liker virkelig deg og bloggen. Sykt.

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  35. største fan!

    HAHAAHAH! Så det på trekant selv og følte det på samme måte. FLAUT!

    Du er genial. OG husk:

    oppdatere oftere = flere lesere

    flere lesere = høyere på topplisten

    høyere på topplisten = mer penger fra blogg.no og annonsører

    mer penger fra blogg.no og annonsører = du trenger ingen jobb utenom blogg + rikdom

    du trenger ingen jobb utenom blogg = mer tid til innlegg

    mer tid til innlegg = flere innlegg

    flere innlegg = flere lesere

    flere lesere = høyere på topplisten

    også videre også videre.

    Moralen er å å begynne å opptadatere hver time, helst vært minutt. ;-)

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  36. Rebecca

    E veldig enig med deg på da der me brusflasker og etiketten, dei miste all sin sjarm og verdi uten etikett.

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  37. Isis

    Det er jo sånn jeg har blitt gravid hver gang! Haha! Men mine unger var ikke grønne. De var mer blå. Er det også et tegn på at mannen har vært utro?

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  38. Helene

    Men goodiebaggen Hanne! GOODIEBAGGEN!!! Da kunne du jo ha sluttet å prøve å få tak i kjæreste jo!

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  39. Anine (ninona)

    Du er en geniaaaal (!!!!!!!) jente!!! Du gjør mitt ellers ganske triste liv til noe utrolig morsomt!!! Du burde være stolt! ♥♥♥

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  40. Lill - everyday blog

    Det er morsomt da! :D I hvert fall det jeg var med på, du lærer jo en del ting xD

    Og det er jo da veldig gøyalt siden personen som holder foredraget synes det er helt normalt og snakke om analkrem osv, men vi andre ikke synes det er fullt så normalt. Men det er absolutt gøy, spesielt blandet med litt alkohol i kroppen, blir ekstra fnisete, haha :p

    Svar
  41. Kine

    Åhhhh. Du gjorde dagen min komplett. Fy søren, dette er det morsomste jeg har lest! Elsker deg, virkelig.

    Svar
  42. Emilie Amundsen

    fyyyfaen, du skriver så genialt ! haha, elsker humoren din x’D dritbra altsåå, jeg hadde heller ikke dratt på noe sånn intim-leke-goodie-bag-forening ._. haha

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  43. Stine

    Elsker bloggen din over alle andre! Geniale historier, godt skrevet og utrolig bra tegnet!:) Et innom og sjekker her hver dag, så bare litt synd du skriver så sjelden.. Men altså, skjønner godt det er mye jobb etter å ha hørt på voiceintervjue ditt;)

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  44. Cindy :)

    Hahahah! Så utrolig enig med deg altså! Den trekant episoden er den eneste jeg har sett faktisk.. første og eneste kan jeg legge til!

    Fysj a meg. Digger bloggen din btw – men det hører du vel hele tiden ;)

    *KleM*

    Svar
  45. Liv

    aweeesomee innlegg, digger måten du skriver på!

    har lagt til bloggen din som favoritt, så får oppdatering når du poster et nytt innlegg.

    må bare si det, gleder meg like mye hver gang jeg ser det lille 1 tallet som viser at du har postet noe nytt, og du overasker like mye hver gang!

    Rett og slett digger bloggen, keep up the good work! :-D

    Svar
  46. Navn Navnesen

    Kjære Hanne,

    Ikke oppdater bloggen din hver dag. Ha et liv utenom, som kan være kilden til disse små helligdommene som gjør våre liv komplett.

    Mvh,

    Bææærgen (2, evt impostor. Tar null credz for pakke sendt, det var en annen herlig bærgenser.)

    Svar
  47. bestandig

    Du har den beste beste beste bloggen :D Du får virkelig ting fram på en hysterisk måte! (?) Også humoren din er jo like psykopat som min X) hahaha. Å lese bloggen din i en overtrøtt tilstand er foresten farlig. Du er herved nesten en morder, man skal ikke undervurdere det å le seg ihjel!

    Svar
  48. Kathrine

    Digger bloggen din! Blir alltid glad når du har oppdatert bloggen din og ler godt når eg leser innleggene dine! Hadde eg bare vært like morsom ;) Stå på!

    Svar
  49. supermarie

    Herregud, endelig en som deler etikett-obsessionen min!! Jeg slo nesten opp med eksen min fordi han rev de av hele tiden – bare for å irritere meg/ha brusen for seg selv. Idiot.

    Og jeg føler jeg MÅ på den intimleketøyfrokosten, bare det at de har valgt å sette opp intimleketøy med en FROKOST er jo hysterisk. haha! Kan virkelig ikke gå glipp av det….

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  50. Karen

    Haha! Husker selv korpsturen min til Danmark jeg. Var ikke like morsomt å bade i bassenget lengre…..

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  51. M

    Det kommer nok haugevis med masete kommentarer om at du må blogge mer osv! Håper du tar deg den tiden du trenger for å lage disse fantastisk gjennomførte innleggene. Leserne dine har du uansett :P Jeg sjekker siden med et liiite håp hver dag og blir superhappy for nytt innlegg! Jeg vurderer til og med «skal jeg lese det nå? eller skal jeg spare det?»..litt sånn som at jeg ikke kjøper det nye Pondus med en gang det kommer ut, for da blir det utlest så fort og jeg må vente en mnd til det neste.

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  52. Thorbjørn

    Oi, kommentar nummer 100. Det er nesten så man kan bli litt misunnelig.

    Heldigvis har jeg mad bra tegneskillz som er enda bedre enn dine, derfor er jeg ikke misunnelig likevel. Hvor er de tegningene da, lurer alle på nå. De er rett her. Jeg bare viser ikke tegningene til noen, sånn tilfelle…uhm, tilfelle! Oi, det regner! *peke* *løpe andre veien mens alle ser på regnet*

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  53. Sukkerspinnet

    Haha! Party med goodiebag er alltid stas, så du burde gå. Men kle deg anstendig! :P Og du har helt rett, brus med avrevet etikett ser her grusomt uappetittlig ut, og jeg er overbevist om at brusen i de etikettløse flaskene smaker pissevann.

    Gleder meg forøvrig til tegneserien om hvordan din første menstruasjon nesten førte til skogbrann! :D Tegn den! :D :D

    Svar
  54. tegnehanne

    Sukkerspinnet: Haha, nei jeg kan ikke tegne det! Det blir for grotesk.

    Dere som vil jeg skal blogge mer: Jeg prøver så godt jeg kan, men jeg har både skole og praksis akkurat nå, så det blir litt vanskelig. Jeg bruker også lang tid på innleggene.

    Tusen takk for super respons, ilu! <3

    Svar
  55. The Teller

    Altså dette med etiketter.

    Jeg kan være enig i den brusflaska, men om jeg ser en shampoo eller balsam, såpe eller skrubb i dusjen min MED etikett får jeg noia.

    Jeg kjøper kun produkter jeg kan pelle av etiketten på.

    Er jeg rar?

    Svar
  56. mag

    haha, for en fantastisk og vittig blogg du har! greide å komme meg gjennom dagens skoletimer ved å stalke hele bloggen. Det at jeg leser sånn alle innleggene dine i løpet av en skoletime sier vel først og fremst noe om mitt utrolige interessantre liv.., men også noe om din utrolige morsomme fremstilling av en kjedelig hverdag. Stå på Hanne!

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  57. Mari

    du er hysterisk morsom, digger deg! som nevnt av flere ovenfor, hadde vært konge om du laget innlegg om korpsturen til Køben :D

    Svar
  58. Elin

    Ufattelig bra blogg! Gratulerer med enda en ny leser =D

    fantastiske latterutbrudd i en ellers så tung og overhormonell dag….. DU redder dagen =D ! <3

    Tusen takk <3 ^^,

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  59. Sofie

    hahahah, du er sykt genial, oppdaget nettop bloggen din, jeg elsker den allerede! you go girl ;)

    «åneei, ungen vår er grønn, du har vert utro» hahaha, ler meg skakk.

    Svar
  60. godterertrening

    Takk for at du anbefalte bloggen min til Stine og Rasmus! :) du er hjertelig velkommen på besøk igjen…storkoste meg igår:)))) neste gang velger vi chineeeeese food!

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  61. Marte

    Herregud – jeg ler meg skakk hver gang du poster et nytt innlegg!! HAHA! Du er fantastisk, både i forhold til tegning og historiene dine! Kjenner meg godt igjen. Gleder meg masse til neste :D

    Svar
  62. Cathrine

    Du er rååå!! Du forteller alt på en så morsom og spennende måte slik at jeg bare måå lese det! Ler meg i hel av inleggene dine! Digger deg!!

    Svar
  63. --> Oda Margrethe

    Hanne, tegningene dine er geniale. Bloggen din er genial. Du er genial! Hvert innlegg er så underholdende at jeg fremdeles er innom bloggen din hver eneste dag, enda så sjelden du oppdaterer.
    Jeg er forresten enig når det gjelder etiketten på brusflaskene.

    Svar
  64. Anniken

    Hanne, jeg begynte å tenke på plutselig….

    HVA HAR SKJEDD MED MORTEN ?!

    Du MÅ jo fortelle oss om dette i form av en stripe ? eller.. for privat ?

    Svar
  65. Emma

    Jeg har nylig begynt å følge bloggen din og jeg er avhengig! Digger humoren din, indentifiserer meg mye i den ;)

    Herregud, jeg hadde ikke tenkt over det med brusflaskeetikettene, men søren meg du har et godt poeng =P

    Du må ha lykke til med praksis! Er lærerstudent så har forståelse for at praksis er tids- og mentaltkrevende. Håper bare du ikke har kommet på mage/tarm-avdeling (min kusine har praksis der), selv om det kanskje hadde blitt noen interessante historier til bloggen ;)

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  66. Mimi

    hahahha, Elsker bloggen din! Sjekker den hver dag i håp om at du har oppdatert :D

    Du er sinnsykt flink til å tegne ogsp forresten!

    Svar
  67. Kristina

    Jeg leste bloggen din for første gang i dag og jeg må si at jeg angrer ikke! Hahaha.. Fantastiske tegninger! Du har fått en ny fast leser her ihvertfall ;)

    Svar
  68. Yngvild

    For ein genial blogg! Det var 20 min med god underhaldning å bla nedover sida, hehe

    Du har herved ein ny fan på bloglovin ;)

    Svar
  69. Cille

    Hei hanne. digger bloggen din, ler godt! ufattelig bra, har publisert den på face sånn at ennå fler kan nyte og kose seg med bloggen din! utrolig bra tegninger, men priceless ansiktsuttrykk!!! elsker det!! hehe:) keep up the good work!

    Svar
  70. Matilde Brandt

    Hvordan får du det til ?! Det finnes jo ikke noe eklere enn brusflasker uten etikett, men ingen andre enn Hanne kunne finne på å blogge det ..

    Den dagen du slutter å blogge kan hele internett likegjerne falle sammen!

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  71. Charlotte

    Hahahhaa, du er fantastisk!

    Gleder meg alltid til å lese de nye innleggene dine! Stå på! :)

    Svar
  72. Elisabeth

    HAHA, fantastisk! Som vanlig sitter jeg litt halvlatterkvalt på skolen å prøver å være stille mens jeg leser.

    Svar
  73. Pernille

    Du er helt utrolig fantastisk morsom! :D

    JEg elsker innleggene dine! Jeg skylder på deg hvis jeg får stryk i noen fag hehe.

    neida.

    Men det er litt trist at innleggene før april ikke vises da.. :( Er det meningen?

    Svar
  74. K

    Haha! Fantastisk. En venninne skulle absolutt ha meg med på kondomeriet. Grusomste, jeg svetta og var så rød som jeg noensinne har vært. Bæsj og promp tåler jeg, men alt sexassosiert får meg til ville grave meg ned i ett hull!

    Svar
  75. Linus :)

    Hahahaha eg må le!! Du e så himla løyen :D Stå på Hanne!! Skulle ønske du kunne oppdatert merr, men eg skjønne at det e vanskelig å finna tid te alt, hvertfall når innleggene tar litt tid og lage. Men fortsett! Dette e så braaaaaa:))))

    Svar
  76. Ingrid

    Det ikke mange blogger som får meg til å sitte å le for meg selv altså, men det gjør du! :-D hahaha

    Kjenner meg igjen i mange av tegningene dine og i det du skriver, og sitter og ler av hvert eneste innlegg. Digger bloggen din! :-)

    Svar
  77. Emilie

    Digger bloggen din noe jævlig ! (unnskyld banning)

    Morsomste/kuleste bloggen jeg har lest ! :)

    Svar
  78. Kezia Elise

    kjære deg, bloggen din er helt rå! og du er bare helt insane flink til å tegne og du er morsom. garantert en fast leser fra nå av? :-)

    Svar
  79. Lousie!<3

    Haha! kjempe morsomt er det du som har tegnet det…det var veldig kult asså:P

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  80. Atle

    Utrolig bra blogg.

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